Teavana: An Experience

(I wrote this about a year ago.)

I'd like to begin this note by saying I enjoy tea very much. A well brewed tea has often been my companion on many-a-late-night, last-minute Essay write-up for class. I also love coffee, but it is tea that has soothed, propped-up, and enlightened my mind in my most trying times, not coffee.

Earlier this night, April 18, 2008, I was feeling restless in my room, doing mostly nothing, when I decided to visit a Teavana for the first time.

I had heard many good things from friends of mine about the purveyor of teas, but as-to-yet had not felt the urge to visit such an establishment. Tonight, I felt a need for a hot drink, to prepare me for a long night of reading for my ContempLit and Philosophy class. I made the decision to go with tea instead of coffee, although there was a Borders Book Store that served Seattle's Best coffee (their "Henry's Blend" is my absolute favorite coffee ever) in the same area as the Teavana.

The first thing I noticed about the Teavana was the brightliness (copyright Chris Phillips) of the branch. It was very well lit, and it's shelves were stocked with tea and tea accessories (thank you Hank Hill). The second thing I noticed were the two free sample thermoses set up just outside the door.

I immediately headed for the samples. I would tell you what teas they were, but their names were so ridiculous and arbitrary that my mind simply refused to memorize something so innane. However, I do remember that the first tea was very much overly sweet. I cannot stand things that are overly sweet, especially things that really ought not to be (and weren't meant to be) in any semblance, too sweet, such as beverages like tea and coffee. I can't stand Frappuccinos (another ridiculous and arbitrary beverage designation that I only remember, because I have to-so I never order it again), because they are far too sweet.

As I (regretfully) down the first tea from it's little plastic sample cup, a very cute Asian girl about my age, an employee of Teavana, greets me and asks me if it's my first trip to Teavana. I truthfully reply, and she proceeds to be very friendly, and pours me a sample cup of the second free tea.

Now, before I go on, I must say this: the employees of Teavana are friendly, the same type of friendly as car dealerships and their salesmen.

I liked the second tea, but I thought it'd be much better had it not been sweetened to the extent that it was. Cuteasiangirl led me through the small store, continuing to pour me samples of several other teas (I must say, I did enjoy being able to try 7 teas before purchasing anything). Most of the teas continued the sugary trend, the last two were so light, they tasted like warm water. Or like chicken, I guess with anything bland and pointless, you're supposed to say that it tastes like chicken.

I finshed sampling, and said that I enjoyed the second tea the most. I asked her how much it would be to get a cup of that (the fourth thing I noticed, after Cuteasiangirl, was the lack of prices and cup sizes for the drinks, something completely annoying and opposite of convenient). She checked the check-out computer, and said that it would be $2.50 for a cup 'this big'. Yes. She held her hands to show me the size of the cup. I thought Starbucks was annoying for their 'Grande' and 'Venti' insistences for cup sizes. At least 'Grande' and 'Venti' can be translated into 'Medium' and 'Large' for one's own reference. Teavana however, doesn't even have a menu! Let alone one that gives you options for cup sizes and prices. Instead you have a snake-oil salesman-I mean, Teavana Tea Associates positioning their hands horizontally at a distance.

Judging from the space between her hands, I guessed that the cup would be about the equivalent to a 'Venti' at Starbucks, or a 'Large' at Seattle's Best. I ordered the variable cup of that second tea. I specifically requested there to be a minimum amount of sugar in the tea (Cuteasiangirl insisted that it was better with sugar, so I had to relent from my original position of 'no sugar').

It took about 10 minutes to get the tea, during which I observed how Teavana was run. At the time, there were about 3 other salesladies doing their corporate duty. They walked their chosen fools in and around the store, selling them tea, teapots, teacups, and tea measuring spoons, all overpriced, and mostly unneccessary. I finally received the drink (I was hoping, like most coffeeshops, to get in, get the drink, and get out, in under 3 minutes, but this was not to be, of course with tea, this expectation is likely undeserved. Nonetheless, it took a long time).

Cuteasiangirl took me to the cashier computer. She tapped in the drink, but the price kept coming out to $3.99, a far cry from the $2.50 she told me earlier. She asked a veteran saleslady for help. The two talked to each other about the price, but I could not make out the details of the short conversation. What I did get, was something about the old prices being wrong. Anyway, the price was now confirmed at $3.99 for the cup of tea (which turned out to be a Large). Cuteasiangirl said sorry, and me, being a chump, and with cup of tea in hand, payed the $4 and change with tax, and left the store.

I began the walk back to my car, and took my first sip of the tea.

It was too sweet.

I drank the rest of the tea. I payed $4.30 for God's sake.

Every sip was one of hate, disappointment, and self-loathing.

Why oh why, didn't I walk across the street and get a 'Large', hot, perfectly brewed cup, of Henry's Blend coffee from Seattle's Best?

Why?

In the end I came home, and I sit here, with an empty Teavana cup, distastefully recalling the painful memories of moments ago, swallowing the oversweet, lukewarm, too-expensive "tea" that I was served after waiting 10 whole minutes for.

Teavana tought me two lessons:

1. When looking to buy a hot drink, stick to the good coffee when you can (WHICH YOU CAN, STARBUCKS/SEATTLE'S BEST ARE EVERYWHERE!) On that note, Starbucks' new "Pike Place Roast" SUCKS!!!

2. Don't trust cute asian girls.

On Swine Flu

Chris Phillips: "Have you eaten pork lately?"
Alejandro: "Yep."
CP: "Have you come into contact with a Mexican recently?"
A: "Yes."
CP: "Have you coughed in the last 72 hours?"
A: "Yep."
CP: "Goodbye dear friend."
.......

CP: "You should at least burn your body to prevent spreading it. As for me? I'm going to keep wearing this super effective dust mask. And continue downing full tubes of the not-at-all morbidly named 'Airborne'.

Also. I'm going to start praying... And stop masturbating. Because the only salvation is God's love.

And God only loves you, if you stop touching yourself.

And not Mexican."